That’s right people! At some point, you will look at your partner and see a stranger. You will think, how did I marry this person or how come I love someone who is so different than I am and who needs and wants such different things?

The truth is we all want, need and seek secure connection with a significant other but under stress have learned to develop protective mechanisms to keep us from experience the loss of self, safety, and connection. Often we pick partners who have opposite positive qualities, (that we are missing) and opposite protective behaviors

Why do we do that, you ask?
Polarities are necessary for growth. The chemistry comes from the chemical reaction, or what the alchemists called the marriage of opposites. The tension creates the energy for transformation, similar to how electricity is generated in a battery.

In the early phase of romantic love, we only see the similarities and the strengths of the other. If are an introvert and you find your partner’s extroversion charming and attractive, subconsciously we think “maybe some of this will rub off on me and I will become a more balanced human being”. Introverts feel the most comfortable with one on one relationships or by themselves, they need a lot of downtime after being around people. Extroverts are energized and their energy goes out when they are around other people. Often these two types marry.

Most relationship experts will agree that these polarities are unavoidable. Harville Hendrix, the father of Imago couples counseling, calls the two polarities the minimizer (turtle) and the other the maximizer (tiger). There are some variations in these types I.e quiet tigers and snapping turtles, but for the most part, you will recognize yourself and your partner almost immediately. Sue Johnson, author of “Hold Me Tight”, refers to them as Pursuers (tigers) and withdrawers (turtles).

Here are some of the qualities. Please check the ones that resonate.Remember this is not a static system but normally it will be very clear who is whom.

Maximizer or Pursuer:
When upset gets bigger, louder and more aggressive.
Expressive of negative and positive emotions.
Can be overwhelming to partner.
Often feels overly needy.

Minimizer or Withdrawer:
Gets smaller, quiet and withdraws.
Denies needs of partner and self.
Fears losing self.
Seeks acceptance and independence.
Can get defensive, critical and loud but usually in response.

Do these resonate with you?

If you start to match up some of these qualities you begin to see the push-pull of the relationship.

As a couples counselor, I help couples start to see these patterns and learn to get beyond their inherent defensiveness, creating vulnerable and authentic emotional connection.

The post Are We Compatible? appeared first on The Center for Inner Development.

PAUSE. BREATHE. NOTICE YOUR SENSATIONS, EMOTIONS AND THOUGHTS. (in that order).

Ask yourself “what am I believing right now”? “What is the negative story I am telling myself”?

For Example: As I write this I notice I feel a bit tense and excited in my chest, I feel anxious/fear and constriction. A story I have is that I am not a good writer or original thinker. The core belief is that “I am not enough” and the feelings associated with that are shame and fear”.

Some common negative core beliefs are.

I am not enough.
I am bad.
I am unlovable.

Once you have found your negative belief, ask these questions.

1) “is this true 100% of the time”? (trick question)

2) Who do I become when I believe this?.Sad, angry, isolating, judgmental etc….

3) If I was free of this belief who would I be?

4) Can I find evidence that opposite of this negative belief is true?

What is the new positive belief?

Meditation

Now try saying the positive belief about yourself three times in rhythm with your breath.
On the inhale think or say the positive belief, on the exhale let go of tension and negativity.
Imagine breathing in through your heart and breathing out through your solar plexus (area in between heart and belly button). This will help create emotional coherence.

How do you feel?

Interested in more of this work. Some of these exercises have been adapted from Byron Katie’s “THE Work”, and the Heartmath Institutes meditations for creating emotional and electromagnetic heart coherence.

www.thework.com
www.heartmath.org

The post Transforming Negative Beliefs appeared first on The Center for Inner Development.